DayZ, Diaries of the Damned #21

“I’ve got a bug for you,” said SoldierA.

“What, like the last one? Everyone was safe but me?”

“No, you’ll like this one,” he said. “It’s just so...you.”

“OK, lay it on me.” I sighed at my keyboard. I’d just managed to get a couple of cans of beans and a can opener after starting another new character. Other than that I had some clothes, and ammo that would be useless until I found a gun. I was still a 45 minute run from everyone else in our group. Chances were someone would kill me long before I got that far.

“You got ammo?” he said.

“Yeah,” I’d given him my inventory not five minutes ago.

“And a can opener?”

“Uh-huh. Which is how I know someone’s going to kill me. I’m safe with screwdrivers, but as soon as I pick up a can opener, some bandit pops me. This can opener is Pristine, so I’ll probably die horribly this time.”

“Load the ammo into your can opener.”

“What?”

“Just do it.”

I shrugged. I was as good as dead already. At least he didn’t have me fiddling with spray paint cans. Ammo hadn’t killed me yet. At least, not in my own hands.

I opened my inventory window, then drug the box of 7.62x54R ammo onto the can opener. It turned red, then popped back into the inventory slot it had come from. I unboxed the ammo, then tried again.

I heard a noise, like the working of a rifle action. Then my inventory showed a can opener with 20 rounds of ammo loaded.

“What?” I said.

“Hold it in your hands, then shoot it,” said SoldierA.

I looked around. Out there, at long distance, there was a zombie just standing in the field. It was hardly more than a few pixels, but those pixels had that look to them--you knew it was a zombie. I carefully positioned my reticle over the zombie, then clicked my mouse.

Bang! A moment later the zombie dropped. Dead. Well, really dead.

“Incredible!” I said.

“Did I do you a solid, or what?”

“Yeah! What kinds of ammo will it take?”

“Until tomorrow’s patch, anything. And it all acts like high powered rifle rounds. Even the .45. It’ll drop a rhino.”

“There aren’t any rhinos in the game,” I said. “Are there?”

“Not yet, but if it’s like the mod we’ll have lots of animals someday. Have fun with your can opener, and we’ll see you at the airfield tonight, right?”

“You bet! I can’t wait. I’ll go up in a tower and shoot bandits with my can opener.”

As we’d been talking, I’d gone toward a town and knocked over two more zombies with my little can opener. This was great. I almost considered getting a video of it, just for remembrance’ sake. Almost--then I remembered that the video recorder app was why my character was undersupplied and halfway across the map from everyone else.

As I came up to town, I saw a fracas in the middle of the street. Some other bambies had been caught by three fully geared-up guys with burlap sacks over their heads. It looked like they’d handcuffed them. One of the geared up guys shot one of the bambies. He'd been cuffed, and all he had on was a ball cap, jeans, and a t-shirt. Daaang.

I got close to a wall, lined up my can opener, and fired. One down. The other two scattered, leaving the bambi in the street.

I shifted to another building, looking.

One of the bandits appeared.

“Hey, you! Did you just shoot?”

I held up my can opener. “I don’t have a gun. Just this. Please, just take it and let me live!”

“Get out of my way. There’s a sniper here, dumbass!” He pushed past me.

I turned and let him have it, right between the shoulder blades. Yeah, good guys do shoot people in the back, jerk!

I peeked out in to the street. The bambi was trying to roll off to one side while handcuffed and laying on the ground. It looked like he was going in circles. I still didn’t see the other bandit. And there might be another on overwatch, though they didn’t seem that bright.

There. I saw Bandit 3. He’d just shot into a three story building, looking for altitude, no doubt. I positioned myself where I could watch the upstairs windows, then went into what, on a rifle, would be “scope” mode.

A movement. A head. I fired. Down! I waited, just in case. Nothing.

I ran to the building, can opener up. I went in the door, up the stairs. There was his body.

I grabbed his stuff. Tac vest, ballistic helmet, two pistols and an M4 with all the goodies. Sweet! Tomorrow I’d be set. For today, however, I had my can opener!

I went back down. The bambi was struggling to get out of the handcuffs.

“Sorry, I don’t have a key. There’s lots of stuff on these bandits once you get out, though!”

“There’s one more!” he said.

I looked up. Right there, at the end of the street. Another. Burlap sack and everything. He had something in his hand, and he was coming toward us with a look of determination.

I raised my can opener. I fired.

A ricochet. He was still coming. Huh, that’s what I get for taking a snap shot. Whatever was in his hand, it wasn’t a gun. He was closer.

I fired again. Still nothing! I ducked into the doorway to check my ammo. Yeah, inventory still showed it loaded with ten rounds. I came back out, I wasn’t going to miss this time.

As I stepped out I heard the bambi moan and give the death cry. The bandit was right on me. I opened up with the can opener. Bang! Bang! Bang!

Nothing! Did they do a hotpatch?

I went to switch to the M4, but it was too late. The guy bowled me over. Was that a grenade in his hand? No, it was just a can of stinking beans.

I heard my character cry out and die.

The screen was black.

What just happened?

“Hey Goose!”

“Yeah, SoldierA?”

“I got another one for you. Remember how I told you there were vehicles in the mod? Well, the code for one snuck into the last update. But you’ll never guess--”

“It’s the bean can,” I said.

“Right! Did you find it? It’s a T-72 tank. Pretty cool, huh? I’m driving around the castle, up in the woods, right now, with a can of beans in my hand! Too bad there’s no ammo for the main gun.”

“Yeah, SoldierA, that’s just great. Crush a rabbit or something for me, will you? I’m logging off till after the patch.”

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