Thursday, February 13, 2014
"Hey, check out that gun!" Boomer has finally caught up with me. We've both run halfway across the stinking map to meet up. Boomer is loaded up--ballistic helmet, gas mask, tac vest, guns, ammo, the works. He even has a can or two of beans left.
But what I'm looking at is his custom-painted M4 rifle.
"How did you get a paint job on your gun?"
"It's the new patch. We can paint them now," he says.
"Wait, does that mean..."
"Yeah. I used a paint can."
My head reels. We've had almost as many deaths by paint can as we have from starvation. In a zombie game.
"Playing with fire? You're kidding."
"No really. I think maybe they were bugged before or something. It was OK."
Boomer gives me a collection of stuff, including a handgun, shotgun, half a can of sardines, and a few medical supplies. I've still got the wood axe and screwdriver that got me this far, as well as a pair of cargo pants and a hoodie.
We set out for a small town nearby, looking for groceries. He takes out a zombie on the outskirts of town while I dart through the nearby houses.
"Look out, hacksaw!" I call out. I don't want him taking his hands off at the wrist like I did to myself once.
"Hacksaw?" he says. "You can use that on the shotgun now."
"No way, I've lost my hands to those too many times. I'm not touching it."
"Fine," he runs up and takes the hacksaw. "Then I'll do it. Give me the shotgun."
I drop it, he drops his M4 and takes it. A moment later he drops it then picks up the M4 again. Dang that paint job looks sweet.
I pick up the shotgun. It's a sawed-off shotgun now!
"See, there were just bugs in the items before. They've patched it." He drops the hacksaw. "Now let's go find some more food. Sissy."
"Right," I go back to searching.
Twenty houses and two zombies later we've each turned up one can of food and I've got a small backpack. He opens the cans with his can opener, gives me one back, and we move on.
Next town, we're out of food again, searching for more.
I've found a great house. Two cans of food downstairs, and a can opener upstairs! I go back downstairs then see something I missed the first time. A can of paint.
Reflexively, I dodge it. Then, I look at it. Fire Engine Red. Really? I've never seen that color before. Usually it's just green.
OK, let's see if I can pick it up. I won't use the cursor, I'll just get close and drag it into my inventory, so I don't accidentally activate it and spray myself to death.
Whew, catch my breath. I'd actually stopped breathing, for real, when I did that.
Let's see. Drag it over the shotgun. Drop down appears. "Paint shotgun?"
I click it. Oh, this is going to be cool! And we'll see who's a sissy now.
What? My display is all red. Let's move.
I can't see! Everything's red. My character is coughing. The color fades out of the solid red. I still can't see!
"You jerk, Boomer!"
"You told me the paint cans are working!"
"I'm dying over here!"
"On my way!"
"You idiot!" says Boomer.
I've gone unconscious.
Boomer goes on, "Why did you go and paint without at least a filter mask and sunglasses? And inside the house! Didn't you inspect the can? Eye protection, ventilation, and a breathing mask. Duh!"
Stupid paint cans.
DayZ, Diaries of the Damned #1
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